Movie Review: House of Wax
We all know that most of the people going to see House of Wax will be there to watch Paris Hilton melt. Sadly, this and almost all other meager hopes for the film will go unfulfilled. Sure, Paris gets whacked, a cinematic moment so appealing that it's drawing cheers at previews of the film here and across the country. But she doesn't liquefy. And once her highly anticipated offing is accomplished, "Wax" wanes from merely bad to horrendous.
Not that there was much promise to begin with. Because this is no remake of the 1953 Vincent Price 3-D classic about a debonair artist attempting to showcase his sculptures. In this "Wax," there's not even a guy poinging a paddleball out of the screen.
Instead, what we have here is your basic Texas Chainsaw Massacre/ House of 1000 Corpses slasher film we should expect from Joe Silver and Robert Zemeckis, producers of such ruinous remakes as Thir13en Ghosts and House on Haunted Hill. Except these guys make "Corpses" look good.
In "Wax," we're once again on the back roads of America with a randy crop of young folks. They're headed for the big college game, which suggests that they have had some contact with higher education.
This notion is quickly dispelled by the dialogue, every line of which includes either the word "man" or "sucks." In this film, Paris is the brains of the outfit. Sporting IQs smaller than their cup sizes, the team quickly gets lost in "Deliverance"-land. A mysterious truck roars out of the woods and threatens them at their isolated campsite. Their car gets wrecked. The only smart thing to do as every horror fan knows is split up.
One by one, the young people dribble into Ambrose, the only town for miles. The town's claim to fame is a bizarre wax museum, which contains exhibits not of, say, Elvis' 1968 comeback special, but of townies eating dinner. Why would anyone pay to see such an entertainment disaster?
That's, of course, the question the filmmakers should have asked themselves before releasing House of Wax. Lame, boring, unimaginative, this flick has a plot driven by every stupid act ever committed in a slasher film.
Meet a guy with green teeth? Have him give you a lift. Find a weapon? Leave it behind. Trying to sneak away from a villain? Talk loud.
The only bit of wit in this unrelieved morass of moronity, comes, oddly enough, from Paris herself. It's a moment of self-awareness that must make her parents beam.
The rest of this film is pure Crayola.
House of Wax 1/2 *
Cast: Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Jared Padalecki, Robert Ri'chard
Behind the scenes: Produced by Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis and Susan Levin. Written by Chad Hayes and Carey W. Hayes. Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra.
Rated: R; language, extreme violence, some sexual content
Approximate running time: 105 minutes
Copyright 2005, Journal Sentinel Inc. All rights reserved.
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